it's different for different people, but this is me.

it's something the common person doesn't understand... and it haunts my heart daily.

The beginning of this landslide began Summer 2007 when I threw my arms up & more or less said 'I quit!"... I gave the enemy a foothold & he grabbed my ankle and pulled me under. For the past 2 years, I've been bobbing to the surface, gasping for breath, only to be pulled under over and over and over... and I've finally been called out.

Promiscuity and debauchery... staples in youth. Now that I have a steady boyfriend I adore, I'm able to accept the past, allowing the Lord to heal my heart through respect and emotional nurturing, and experiencing pure affection- which I know in time, God will show me I'm worthy of. It's tough to imagine I'm worthy of anything right now...

It took my boss -a woman I nanny for- to ask me a series of personal questions, for me to indirectly figure myself out, all because she claimed she wanted to get to know me better. Little did I know beforehand, those questions would open the doors of several closets in my heart, exposing quite a few skeletons... that I guess I chose to forget existed- some of which have happened fairly recently. Of course, I've answered every one of her questions honestly, as I don't like feeling the burden of lying, but I don't like the fact that she now knows so much about me. I really, really don't like it... and perhaps it's because I'm not used to discussing problems, so much as dwelling on them and dealing with them myself. I don't like merely 'talking' about issues- I guess I'm just one of those people who prefers to sweep them under the rug until I feel I can handle them.

My father is crooked, proud, and insensitive.
My mother is submissive and exhausted by bitterness.
My sister has false gods, and short patience.
My other sister's spirit reflects the last 10 years of my parents' marriage.

I'm no saint, by any means... but this equation burns my eyes and heart daily.

The crazy part, is that all those questions helped me realize so much about my family's situation- and it's possible that, granted I give the Lord more of my heart, He's going to use me to shine light on the strongholds keeping my family from being what is used to be (considering we've only been dysfunctional for 10 years- well, 9. I remember being 12 when things went downhill).

What I'd like to point out is that I'm an extremely spiritual person.

I'm guilty of hiding it a lot of the time, just for the sake of getting along & going with the flow... but it's something the common person doesn't understand and it haunts my heart daily. I believe in God. I believe in the power of Jesus Christ. This faith has changed my life, my heart, my head and I think about him daily, whether or not I tell people about it. It's crazy, though- like, no matter how far I stray, he's right beside me. Now -for you atheists-"right beside me" might seem a little off center, since we live in a physical world. Yes, seemingly so, but it's not so much a gnat in your ear, as it is a tug at your heartstrings-- the same way many people feel when witnessing injustice, or the hot/cold flashes of falling in love, or the guilt you feel when knowing you should've taken good advice, or the bursting of your heart when something absolutely wonderful happens for you. The tugs are polar... but the Lord knows how to get your attention- after all, he made you. HE MADE YOU. crazy.

Today I had a bit of a meltdown when my boss called me out on a few things. She has a 2 year old son, who is one of the cutest little kids I've had the chance to hang out with... and she cares deeply about who she lets into his life- understandably so. One thing she & I have in common, is our relationship with Jesus Christ & our belief in the supernatural. Spirits are very real, and can totally be sensed, if you recognize that they exist. The reason she tells me she asks so many questions, is to make sure that her son is protected- again, understandably so.

Basically, after knowing my background, she analyzed that I carry the burden of my parents' marriage and a hint of loneliness and bitterness about how my younger sister is treated better (I mean, she drives a Hummer & I ride a bike ...enough said). It hurts to hear these things from other people, but at the same time, I want to use this criticism critically in order to get back into the swing of life.

"You'll never be able to keep a job if you don't let some of these things go."
...

I may choose to no longer work for this particular woman, as of this Friday, dependent on which direction the Lord would have me go- not my will. I'm not in charge of my life, and have found that that's what life is all about: Letting go of yourself for the greater good.