barrage

i don't want this to end...
don't leave me alone.

i'm so frightened.
i don't want to face the reprocussions of my actions.
i'm not a little girl anymore and my lies are now accompanied with uncontrollable consequences.

i don't want anything bad to happen.
i don't want to lose you. i've already lost myself.
i'm so scared.

pressure & resistance

excited adrenaline...
my face is numb; my lips tingle.
eyes wide and staring, looking down....

skepticism

intellectually, its quite the compromise.
romantically, i couldn't ask for anything more.
physically, i am respected and satisfied-
and find myself intoxicated by your kisses.

i'm absolutely terrified of my heart breaking.
i can't find anyone like me that likes me...
[i hope this is promising.]

"i like your thoughts"
i'm trying something new.

inconspicuous turmoil.

arms pull me in dozens of different directions.
coy and confused.
thoughtful and humble.

averted eyes...

my oxygen flow becomes painful.

i wish not to speak with you any longer,

i apologize.

i'm living a dream;
i am patiently waiting for reality to sink in.

there is no longer anything holding me back.
i could be loved. i could be held.
the possibilities are endless.
ah, again with temporary affection...
i've grown intolerant and somewhat spiteful.

i am content for now...
but future emotions remain just as
unpredictable as they are inevitable.

recognition

i appreciate those who appreciate what i appreciate.

new acquaintances aren't always a bad thing.

eye contact.

i see a habit developing and
am doing nothing about it...
i'm getting quite good at pretending.
modesty: credit should be given where credit is due.

people who aren't worth my time are ultimately
the same people who tear my heart out of my chest,
leaving it to be trampled on.
heart on your sleeve?
...you can find mine on the sidewalk.

camouflage: rain mixed with tears.
body language remains the most important means of communication.
its all in my head ...because i don't want to bring it up.

the root of my indulgences is to get you off my mind.
its not working, and yet i continue on with the lifestyle...

bliss is ignorance.

i lied.

mechanical pencil.

out of sight, not necessarily out of mind;
misleading implications...
even though i'm not one to imply.
straight.forward.

i have dirty fingernails.
what have i gotten myself into?
i count my recent intimacies on one hand;
some intentional,
others spontaneous,
most under the influence.

i swear i'm not promiscuous.
i've grown beyond physical attatchment and have
adjusted practically according to each affair.
i want more- but i'm not desperate...
i can handle this.
i'm a big girl.

fatigued by incomplete affection and conditional circumstances;
i lose a little bit of myself with each kiss i willingly give away.
i miss you so much- in this sense, i miss myself.
it hurts...
but i have to live past it.

epiphany & renewal.

i love having reasons to smile.

the word "you" does not necessarily refer to you.
don't get too wrapped up in yourself.

what else is on your mind?
studies. close relations. the weather.

goldfish crackers

familiar faces, empty minds.
new acquaintances with hidden false motives.

i don't want to pretend you're not mine.
you wouldn't place a candle under a basket, would you?
i am going to keep this a secret,
for my sake as well as yours.
i prefer being perceived as solitary.

oh, the time we had that night...
consistant noise of vehicles racing past;
the lighting was beyond perfection.
you've torn down my guard,
and i'm not one to let it down so easily.

did the evidence lead to assumption?
fortunately, all were oblivious...
perhaps my false testimony was influential.

i have no business being with you.
i gain nothing... am i satisfied?
its nice to have someone,
but i'm fatigued by alway having to compromise.
but i suppose you're not so bad.
you're wonderful to me.

tulips.

adrenaline at the fingertips;
a numb sensation rushing through the body.
anticipation growing in sync with the night...
deep conversation:
"no topic is too taboo."

physical attraction dominates thought for a short
period of time, only to resign to a greater attraction:
that of the mind.

the sway of the rocking chairs as cars infrequently pass by,
oblivious while being watched as each pair of luminescent
headlights gradually disappears in the distance.

the rocking chairs.
sitting and talking;
word by word, conversation leads to comfort:
... a truly unexpected form of comfort.
sinking hearts left only to drown are suddenly
revived from their self.indulgent comas.

the half moon struggles to catch a glimpse
through the dense tree branches...
to glow on the brick sidewalk and the benches lined
along the timeworn path.

the opportunity to hold one another is granted
and taken advantage of.

there is a sense of cured loneliness...
yet the knowledge of inevitable departure haunts the mind.
standing, holding one another, not wanting to let go.

"its times like these that make
me not want to go to Michigan."

shattered mirror.

i no longer see myself in my reflection,
but rather those who have so molded
me into who i've become.

this depth of image is a curse.
i am not pure.

i have been used.
i have been broken.
i have so many secrets.

teddybear moments

...times when you feel that the world around you is falling apart; the ground beneath you loosens and becomes unstable; relationships feel torn and cold... all stability gives in as you crumble to pieces... and all you want to do at that very moment is lie awake, tears on the verge of falling, your mind dwelling on the misery your life is putting your through, cuddled up to yourself with a teddybear tightly grasped and held close to your chest, so firmly as if it could console you through osmosis somehow...

moonbeam

pretty girl, why do you frown?
what is it that breaks your heart?
Let me catch your tears
and replace them among the stars in the sky,
out of your reach, never to be cried again...
because i never want to see you sad.
i never want you have reason to cry.

won't you tell me how i can fill the hole in your heart...
Please allow me to slip through the cracks
so that you might fall in love.
Please don't cry.
You should have no reason to.
Open your mouth.
You don't deserve to be upset.
You deserve to be kissed.
oh, please smile...