flashback

tight red tshirt. black hoop gauges. greasy neo.mohawk. cut-off jean shorts.
nothing mattered and you were just happy being with me.

now you seem different...
and everything matters and i'm not quite sure what makes you happy anymore.

thoughtful nothings

"a boy would have to be a dumb ass to leave you."
...thanks, Dave.

i give myself the biggest stomach ache
from all the guilt i feel about everything.

i hope this next year goes by fast.
i'm ready to grow up and move on... again.

boys, boys, boys...

Who I'd Like To Meet:

criteria: male [no physical preference]; first & foremost- must be a proficient in spelling/writing; college attendance is mandatory; intellect must exceed par [according to my discretion]; must have a genuinely positive outlook on atleast 90% of life; must have the capacity to love unconditionally [for my sake]; must practice unfeigned forgiveness [once again, for my sake]; must be passionate in everything accomplished, from the most trivial tasks to those held in higher regard; must be generous; must give comfortable hugs; must not be discouraging, judgmental and/or shallow; must be respectful, to self as well as others; must have refined taste in the arts [thus including history, music, film, & literature]; must cherish time and company over material wealth, yet must strive for financial stability.

i know you're out there, somewhere... & until found, i refuse settle for anyone less.



its not that i think highly of myself... i just don't want to compromise what i know will make me happy.
i respect myself enough to not waste my time on silly boys. its about time i grew up- and by setting higher standards in those i date, i am hopefully allowing myself to do so.

i know i'm going places & need someone who shares this quality.

i miss you.

most days, i'm okay.
i convince myself that
"i'm a big girl. i can handle this."
...but today, i hurt so bad.

i ruined everything. i really did, didn't i?
i loathe my weak flesh for giving into the blur,
the cloud of thoughts, those wicked thoughts.

perhaps i ought to try introversion.
i'm in the process of purifying my thoughts.
divine purification, via introversion & desperate prayer.

i'm doing what i can...
but its out of my hands.
some things are too big to handle alone;
"i'm a big girl. i can't handle this."