promises, promises...

hmm.

my how the mighty have fallen.


buy it before you try it
... not a wise choice.

perhaps i'll figure it out soon enough.
i've spent almost half my life concerned with relationships. i think it's about time i lay low and keep to myself- hardly worried about hook ups, hardly bothered by guys- in general.


i like the sound of this game plan.
i've made this decision;
now i need to commit,

no strings attatched.

blip

truly gifted artists are the smartest people you'll ever meet. every single one i've met thus far in my life has blown me away with intellect and sharp wits... i love how deep these people are- and how they tend to not give themselves enough credit. (mind you, i'm referring to 'truly gifted artists'- not half.hearted, self.righteous trend followers.) Their writing has yet to fail my expectations; whether sporadic thoughts or flowing stream of consciousness, the words are bound to open mind pockets inside your head that you probably never realize existed. random, wise, satirical, humorous, i love thoughts. i love reading what others have to say-- i love seeing what others see through films, paintings, everything. self expression blows my mind... aaah i'm an art fag.

a couple days ago

i was sitting in the doctors' office the other day, waiting to get a physical for Track, & in my head, i started singing the words of the lounge music that was playing in the waiting room... and for the life of me, i couldn't quite figure out why i knew every word to the song... i finally figured it out. it was a symphonic rendition of "Let It Be" by the Beatles & let me tell you, those violins butchered it....

i laughed out loud.

Ecclesiastes 8:6-7

6 For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter,
though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him.
7 Since no man knows the future,
who can tell him what is to come?

the color pink

am i depriving myself? i am not an opportunist.
sometimes i wonder if the similar qualities in each new being of interest are just part of some twisted game being played on me, warped only to deceive me and ruin me. [pass GO-->Collect $200]
they all seem so alike.

i feel so helpless.
i want so badly to find something new-
i don't necessarily feel held back,
i'm just starving for something...
is it really so wrong to pursue someone
just for the sake of having someone?
thats all anything ever derives from, right?
similar interests which develop lasting relationships?
you've got to start somewhere.

...i thought i had someone.
who am i loyal to? certainly not myself.
i feel so unbelievably misguided... confused.
i'm using a false label as an alibi to keep me out of trouble.
i'm not lying when i say i'm preoccupied- my heart is taken.
mixed signals & the longing- i do it to myself.
there's no one to really blame here, i'm actually comfortable.
i guess all i really want is certainty-
which is ironic, since life is unpredictable.

i am selfish, and i want to live my life the way i used to-
but something inside me puts up this supernatural field,
keeping me safe from wordly harm... its miserable.
i want to do what i want, but can't. i'm out of control...

and am now i'm the victim of a useless power struggle.

...too many days have felt like today.

subtle temptation

"say it like you mean it, boy.
shut your mouth until you can."
-jawbox



i just need some kind of reassurance-
but at my young age, nothing is guaranteed.

the united states of leland

journal entry [less poetic]

over the past month, i've grown in ways unimaginable. i'm recognizing the reality that is Christ & its such a peculiar feeling, i can't quite put my finger on words to describe the way i feel. its incredible... yet, i am struggling between selfish ambition & pride versus whole.hearted devotion to Jesus... and i can't figure out why i won't surrender everything. its a good thing God says "lean not on your own understanding" b/c in situations like these, i can't fathom how God works. oh, to be in favor of you, Lord! i pray that you would give me wisdom. I trust you with everything, now please help clean out my ears that i may hear your voice, which in turn will guide my heart in glorifying you in all i do. i want to honor you, for you are worthy... beyond worthy... oh, exceptional beauty.... i am in love with you. Free me from all that hinders me from worshiping you fully. I want you so bad... Everything you do is selfless, which amazes me- b/c lately i've felt convicted of being selfish- oh, i'm bad. ..... and you sent your son, Jesus to earth from HEAVEN- first of all, & to leave heaven sounds absurd... but He did., and the fact that he WANTED TO? blows my mind. "lean not on your own understanding." He left his place at the right hand of the Father God to come to earth to live as a human. So why did he leave? so that we may experience all that he experienced in heaven... the supernatural gifts that he has in store for us, if we are to truly surrender and devote our lives to him. Lord, you are so amazing! You never fail to leave me in awe... i'm overwhelmed! Not only did he live as a human, but he was God in the flesh-- put that in your pipe & smoke it, hahaha. Sinless. A HUMAN WITHOUT SIN. that concept sounds ridiculous to me, "lean not on your own understanding." Yes, Lord. whoaaa whoa. joy spasm, hahah.... On that cross, you took every sin ever commited past, present, future & died that day on Calvary and went straight to Hell for us. I'm not sure if people realize that Jesus went to Hell. Yes, and when he did, he was so pure that not even Hell could keep him in bondage- AMEN! Hallelujah, amen. whoaaaaa! ahhahah yes! amen, amen!! Aww, almighty counselor- yet again, your ways leave me in awe. So in the deepest, most wretched part of Hell, Jesus burst out of Hell, defeating Satan and binding up his demons, releasing all the sin he'd taken on that annointed cross by which he was killed, and he rose back to life after being dead for 3 days-- once again, death to life? humanly impossible- but, God your ways are bigger than those of man, "nothing is impossible with Christ." this guy we read about in the Bible, and in books on religion, CONQUERED death.. talk about COOL.

anyway, yeah- i mean, this guy Jesus, whose name is now a commonly used curse word, is the absolute most amazing discovery i've ever come across & i'm currently involved in a battle of the will- why can't i surrender everything? fear. pleasure. selfrighteousness... bad, bad me. these traits which are considered "normal" are the same flaws which are preventing me from worshiping my Lord, God & Jesus Christ, to the fullest potential. i am such a selfish little brat. die to self. die t o self. die to self. oh -- my god, help me. help me love others as myself, so that i might then be able to share your love so that others may inherit your kingdom, your glory... whoaa, head bobbin, whoosh! Lord, how just the very thought of you makes me tremble- its so much fun, hahaha i love you so much.

praise be to God.
you've shown me how real you are,
and you didn't have to- b/c who am i to question your existence?
i am but a grain of sand among millions & billiions...
you know you're real. you don't need to prove yourself to me,
yet you have.

i love you.


help me to love you above anyone, anything else...
i want you so bad! i mean, i want to know what i'm missing!
aaah i'm overwhelmed!