it's different for different people, but this is me.

it's something the common person doesn't understand... and it haunts my heart daily.

The beginning of this landslide began Summer 2007 when I threw my arms up & more or less said 'I quit!"... I gave the enemy a foothold & he grabbed my ankle and pulled me under. For the past 2 years, I've been bobbing to the surface, gasping for breath, only to be pulled under over and over and over... and I've finally been called out.

Promiscuity and debauchery... staples in youth. Now that I have a steady boyfriend I adore, I'm able to accept the past, allowing the Lord to heal my heart through respect and emotional nurturing, and experiencing pure affection- which I know in time, God will show me I'm worthy of. It's tough to imagine I'm worthy of anything right now...

It took my boss -a woman I nanny for- to ask me a series of personal questions, for me to indirectly figure myself out, all because she claimed she wanted to get to know me better. Little did I know beforehand, those questions would open the doors of several closets in my heart, exposing quite a few skeletons... that I guess I chose to forget existed- some of which have happened fairly recently. Of course, I've answered every one of her questions honestly, as I don't like feeling the burden of lying, but I don't like the fact that she now knows so much about me. I really, really don't like it... and perhaps it's because I'm not used to discussing problems, so much as dwelling on them and dealing with them myself. I don't like merely 'talking' about issues- I guess I'm just one of those people who prefers to sweep them under the rug until I feel I can handle them.

My father is crooked, proud, and insensitive.
My mother is submissive and exhausted by bitterness.
My sister has false gods, and short patience.
My other sister's spirit reflects the last 10 years of my parents' marriage.

I'm no saint, by any means... but this equation burns my eyes and heart daily.

The crazy part, is that all those questions helped me realize so much about my family's situation- and it's possible that, granted I give the Lord more of my heart, He's going to use me to shine light on the strongholds keeping my family from being what is used to be (considering we've only been dysfunctional for 10 years- well, 9. I remember being 12 when things went downhill).

What I'd like to point out is that I'm an extremely spiritual person.

I'm guilty of hiding it a lot of the time, just for the sake of getting along & going with the flow... but it's something the common person doesn't understand and it haunts my heart daily. I believe in God. I believe in the power of Jesus Christ. This faith has changed my life, my heart, my head and I think about him daily, whether or not I tell people about it. It's crazy, though- like, no matter how far I stray, he's right beside me. Now -for you atheists-"right beside me" might seem a little off center, since we live in a physical world. Yes, seemingly so, but it's not so much a gnat in your ear, as it is a tug at your heartstrings-- the same way many people feel when witnessing injustice, or the hot/cold flashes of falling in love, or the guilt you feel when knowing you should've taken good advice, or the bursting of your heart when something absolutely wonderful happens for you. The tugs are polar... but the Lord knows how to get your attention- after all, he made you. HE MADE YOU. crazy.

Today I had a bit of a meltdown when my boss called me out on a few things. She has a 2 year old son, who is one of the cutest little kids I've had the chance to hang out with... and she cares deeply about who she lets into his life- understandably so. One thing she & I have in common, is our relationship with Jesus Christ & our belief in the supernatural. Spirits are very real, and can totally be sensed, if you recognize that they exist. The reason she tells me she asks so many questions, is to make sure that her son is protected- again, understandably so.

Basically, after knowing my background, she analyzed that I carry the burden of my parents' marriage and a hint of loneliness and bitterness about how my younger sister is treated better (I mean, she drives a Hummer & I ride a bike ...enough said). It hurts to hear these things from other people, but at the same time, I want to use this criticism critically in order to get back into the swing of life.

"You'll never be able to keep a job if you don't let some of these things go."
...

I may choose to no longer work for this particular woman, as of this Friday, dependent on which direction the Lord would have me go- not my will. I'm not in charge of my life, and have found that that's what life is all about: Letting go of yourself for the greater good.

perhaps

everything really does happen for a reason.

early wake up call

my friend rob gives me rides to work daily, since i have an expired license and no car. while driving to work this morning, we watched a state trooper fly in front of us as we approached the stop sign at the cross-section of Nike Park Rd. and Reynolds Drive. we turned down the road, in the direction of the police officer, fully assuming that someone had been speeding and was about to have their day ruined... it turned out someone had already set the tone of the day by speeding around that blind curb and flying straight into a ditch on a motorcycle.

rob and i drove past the scene not but probably 2 minutes after the guy had flown off of his bike. as we slowly cruised beside the small huddle of civilians and single police officer, i noticed a grown man lying on the ground, neck crooked and out of place, blank faced, staring at us in rob's car. there was no doubt the man was dead.



i covered my eyes and looked straight ahead, breathing deeply.
the muscles in my throat tensed and i couldn't swallow for a moment

it wasn't gruesome... his body was limp and clean..
i didn't want to look... i didn't look. i held my hand across my eyes.
it hurt to look.

it hurt me that his family was minutes short of that devastating phone call that would alter their lives forever.

it hurts me that this man woke up this morning without the slightest inclination that it would be his last day on this earth.

it hurts to think of how that man possibly spent his life while existing.


it hurts to wonder where his soul is right now.



it's amazing how fragile life is...
we are not without limits.



i could definitely go into more detail; how time stood still for moments before witnessing it all, the thoughts that raced through my head, the thoughts that are still panning back-and-forth behind my eyes, the hopeless expressions on the people beside the man... but i'd rather not.

perhaps it's a blessing to be so sensitive... bittersweet, at the least.
i know these feelings will never leave me.
i haven't hurt this badly in a little over a year.

life is so, so delicate.

i've been thinking...

i'm not lonely.
i'm not scared.
...a little intimidated, but by factors i'm confident i can handle.


getting caught up in situations always causes retrospect.
sequence of event <-> motives <-> what was gained?

often, the answer is 'nothing'.
even moreso, i lose pieces of myself...
but what is so amazing about humanity is the option to grow spiritually from experiences-- so truly, what is gained? wisdom.

i think i just contradicted myself. huh. how 'bout that...


today i felt myself almost burst twice...
only, the stimulation began in my mind,
rushing over my tongue, warming my ears,
down my throat and into my heart,
expanding in my chest- allowing for deeper breaths.


entering a new phase with a fresh mindset,
realizing the limited days i have before independence,
acknowledging my age and the opportunities i have,
what i need to do to ultimately get where i want to be.



i stumbled across this website 7/25/08:
http://www.supertechnogirl.com/mindfulliving/art.htm







i stumbled across this website 7/25/08:
http://www.supertechnogirl.com/mindfulliving/art.htm

Tornado Pictures [back home]

from what i've heard, no one was killed... but almost everything was destroyed.

Here are some pictures my dad sent me from home... :/
not okay.

"fat fuck"

my words are paper thin...
i wish i was paper thin.

"nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."
...since i've never really been skinny,
how could i possibly discern between the two sensations?



never enough.
never enough.
never enough.
downward spiral.
nostalgia evolves into a state of deja vou.
unpleasant stimuli remind me of youth...
unpleasant memories.
not okay.

this self.sabotage will be much more
affective than years ago. i want it to be...

my heart is broken,
but i can't feel it.
i like this...
this disability.

i can't feel all the hurt.
it's not like it used to be.

i've done too much.
i'll turn around eventually...
but for now, i can't help but indulge.

or lack thereof.

promises, promises...

hmm.

my how the mighty have fallen.


buy it before you try it
... not a wise choice.

perhaps i'll figure it out soon enough.
i've spent almost half my life concerned with relationships. i think it's about time i lay low and keep to myself- hardly worried about hook ups, hardly bothered by guys- in general.


i like the sound of this game plan.
i've made this decision;
now i need to commit,

no strings attatched.

blip

truly gifted artists are the smartest people you'll ever meet. every single one i've met thus far in my life has blown me away with intellect and sharp wits... i love how deep these people are- and how they tend to not give themselves enough credit. (mind you, i'm referring to 'truly gifted artists'- not half.hearted, self.righteous trend followers.) Their writing has yet to fail my expectations; whether sporadic thoughts or flowing stream of consciousness, the words are bound to open mind pockets inside your head that you probably never realize existed. random, wise, satirical, humorous, i love thoughts. i love reading what others have to say-- i love seeing what others see through films, paintings, everything. self expression blows my mind... aaah i'm an art fag.

a couple days ago

i was sitting in the doctors' office the other day, waiting to get a physical for Track, & in my head, i started singing the words of the lounge music that was playing in the waiting room... and for the life of me, i couldn't quite figure out why i knew every word to the song... i finally figured it out. it was a symphonic rendition of "Let It Be" by the Beatles & let me tell you, those violins butchered it....

i laughed out loud.